im drinking this country out of the recession.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
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