Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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