his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
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