I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Randomize
