you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
