There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
