The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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