I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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