I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
