I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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