I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
