so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
