How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
