Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
