I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
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