I think I won the penis lottery.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
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