It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
