Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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