You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
