maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
