Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
