I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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