Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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