Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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