His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Randomize
