first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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