Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
