9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
i came on her dog
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
