Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Randomize
