he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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