pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
We have started to decorate penises.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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