I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
