I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
