He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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