I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Randomize
