Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
