my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
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