TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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