He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
