The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
