and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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