is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I will be naked everywhere
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Of course I have a pirate flag
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
