I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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