I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
