I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
