if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
