i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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