You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Randomize
