I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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