I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Randomize
