I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
